Angels in the Shadows

Early on in my life experience, I learned about and experienced the magical effects of the angels in the shadows who are all around us. They emerge at just the right moment in time and most people do not realize that others are conspiring in our favor on a regular basis.

Without these angels in the shadows, my life experience would not be nearly as joyous and fulfilling. Learning at an early age that gratitude was the virtue that brought it all together, this is the quote that makes sense in my life…

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

It was just my mother and me, making our way in the world and struggling to have the bare essentials most people take for granted. We never had a car or a telephone or stayed in a hotel while on vacation or new clothes at the beginning of the school year or presents for birthdays and at Christmas, but the kids I went to school with had all of these things and more so I was aware of being different. We never lived in the same place for longer than six months, and we were homeless twice while I was still in elementary school.

The first of the angels in the shadows I recall was a man named Rick who lived two apartments down from ours while I was in 3rd grade. He was caring for his elderly mother and they would sit by the window when she was feeling strong enough to be out of bed for a short while. My mother taught me not to stare, but when she made eye contact with me I would smile and wave as we passed by.

One time, Rick had opened the window a few inches and she asked me my name. I took one small  step forward and said “I’m Connie. What’s your name?” As she attempted to answer, her coughing got worse and Rick answered “Her name is Louise” before closing the window and helping her back into her wheelchair. I thought it might have been my fault what happened, but a couple of days later Rick knocked on our door after work to tell us that she had something called emphysema and that it wouldn’t ever get better. It made me sad to know she was so sick. My mother told Rick to tell her we would be thinking of her and keeping both of them in our prayers and he rubbed his eyes before going on to his apartment.

About  month later, they somehow found out it was my birthday. My mother told me they wanted us to stop by their apartment because they had something for me. I was very excited, but I kept my composure as we were invited into their apartment. It was small, like ours and smelled of things I couldn’t identify. It was a combination of spoiled food and cigarettes and dead plants, if I had to describe the odors.

Rick motioned for me to come closer. When I was right in front of Louise’s chair, she smiled and handed me a soft leather wallet that was covered in pink rhinestones. It was so beautiful and not like anything I’d ever had before. I thanked them and it wasn’t until we were back inside of our apartment that I discovered the five-dollar bill tucked into a side pocket. That money covered our groceries for the week, and I remember hoping I had thanked them enough for their kindness.

Later that summer, Louise passed away and my mom and all of the neighbors watched as the paramedics brought her out on a stretcher with a sheet covering her completely, except for her toes which were black and gnarled. I stared at those toes until I could no longer see them when they reached the parking lot and put her in the stretcher. That’s when I became aware that Rick was standing just inside the door of the apartment and crying like a little boy. I wanted to say something or give him a hug, but instead I followed my mother back into the apartment.

That evening my mother told me we were moving again. I never asked where we were going, and let it be a surprise when she showed up after school the next day to walk me to our new home. I was in Summer School at that time, and asked if I’d be coming back to this school ever again. Her silence held the answer. But a few minuted later she began talking and I felt like everything was going to be alright. Perhaps there would be angels in the shadows wherever our journey took us.

She told me about a lady she had met at the grocery store who needed help with housekeeping and ironing. They would let us live in something called a guest house in the back of their yard in return for my mother’s help. She told me that two men had come to the apartment to help pack up our stuff in cardboard boxes and that everything would be waiting for us when we arrived.

It was a long walk and during that time I convinced myself this would be a place we could stay for a long time. As we turned the corner and my mother pointed to the big house at the end of the road, I promised myself that I would be an angel to others when I got older, whenever I had the chance. That made me happy and I reached out to hold my mother’s hand to let her know I was okay with this new adventure.

We were only there for a few weeks due to some unforeseen circumstances that arose during our stay. Most of it I don’t remember, and that’s because I fell out of a tree one afternoon and some kids who were with me were afraid to tell a grownup until I could stand up on my own.

When we moved out, we had fewer things than when we’d arrived and we carried it all in paper sacks. Our next stop would be a Methodist Church that was close to where I had gone to school before. The people at the church were kind and my mother asked one of the ladies if she could fix some food for me. She offered to make me some eggs and I nodded that yes, I would eat them however they were cooked.

I can recall sitting at a long table with a red and white checkered tablecloth and someone serving me the plate of food as though I were the only customer in a restaurant. The plate had two soft-boiled eggs on one side and a piece of toast covered in strawberry jam on the other. One by one, everyone left the kitchen except for us. My mother took one bite of the toast and then said she wasn’t hungry. I believed her on that day but soon learned she would sacrifice everything to make sure I was taken care of in all ways. It would be half a century before I understood that she was one of the angels in the shadows that helped to shape my life’s journey.

My thoughts and memories of these experiences swirl through my mind. I get flashes of my life, now and half a century ago and this is what comes up for me today…

Yellow flowers. Slender green stems, giving off an almost olive green hue, topped by delicate yellow flowers at the top. Glowing and glittering in the sunlight, they speak to me in a whisper than cannot be heard but instead must be absorbed, delighting me in the knowledge that all things are possible. Translucent and bold. Nothing is hidden and all is revealed. The flowers stretch to experience each wave of sound and wind around to enjoy a different perspective.

A shorter version of this piece was originally published as part of  A Gift of Gratitude: A Community Book Project and this could be an excellent addition to your virtual or physical library.

I’m writer, publisher, and entrepreneur Connie Ragen Green, seeking out opportunities to join the angels in the shadows and make a difference for others on the journey to discover the secrets of life.