The Power of Saying “No”
How often do you say “No”? Not often enough, I’m guessing. The power of saying no is a force to be reckoned with.
‘No’ is naturally thought of as a negative word.
We’re taught from the time that we are young to avoid the word ‘no.’ We use the word to refuse things, turn down opportunities, and declare ourselves as unyielding and unmoving.
In fact, we are often told not to use it.
• ‘Yes’ is shown to us as being bold and energizing, making you open to possibility and opportunity.
• ‘No’ is a slammed door in a locked house.
• ‘Yes’ is the open skies and the wide-open spaces of the world at your disposal.
• ‘Yes’ means we’re amenable, it makes us likable. It is welcoming and comfortable.
• ‘No’ is the greedy friend who will never share. It turns us away.
To be honest, It’s a pretty grim picture.
The sad thing is, most of us go through life never realizing that what we’ve been taught, is wrong.
‘No’ is really just a boundary line.
It defines the edges between us and the world. It’s what protects us and makes us stronger. It is the word that holds control of our destiny.
With ‘no’ you set the standard both for how you wish to be treated, and how much you will allow others to dictate your life.
‘No’ is our possibility and our opportunity for growth and it is the way that we get things done.
How does ‘No’ do all that and more?
My Experience with the Power of Saying ‘No’
The first time I can recall saying “no” to someone was when I was about three years old and my mother was trying to get me to eat some vegetables. I think it was okra or squash but I could not take the slimy texture and the bitter taste. “No!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.
She slapped me hard on my arm and I began to cry. The look on her face told me that she was sorry about hitting me and would have done anything to take it back. But the slap was effective and I let her feed me the rest of the veggies on my plate.
I was ten years old when I next remember saying no to someone. We had gone to the movies and I had turned down the aisle first. I went in almost to the middle, leaving two seats between me and the man already there. I was right in the middle, and to my right sat two neighbors, two or my friends from school, a couple my mother knew from somewhere, and then my mother, almost at the end of the aisle.
The lights went down and the man to my left slid over one seat to be next to me. He held out his box of popcorn and smiled. As I scooped out as much as I could hold in my hands, the curtain went up and the movie began.
It wasn’t long before he slumped down in his seat and I could feel his hand on my leg. He used his fingers to walk up my leg like a spider and when he got close to my underwear I dropped the popcorn on the floor and looked him in the eyes.
“No!” I said, as powerfully as I could without raising my voice.
“But I want to touch you.” he said. “I want to feel what you’re like down there.”
“No.” I was speaking more softly now.
He ignored my command and moved his hand further up my thigh.
I coughed and stood up. The neighbor looked up at me without speaking. She assumed I needed to go to the bathroom, I suppose and as I made my way across the aisle I glanced over and saw that the man had gotten up as well. My mother smiled at me as I walked past her and I’m sure I had a blank stare on my face.
The man and I both walked up past the other rows of seats. Just as he opened the door on his side to go out into the lobby, I turned on my heels and went back down to our row. There was an empty seat next to my mom and I sat down slowly and deliberately. She whispered something that I couldn’t make out and we watched the rest of the movie without saying a word or looking at each other.
We never spoke of that day again, and I knew that the power of saying no was one I would need in my life. It bothers me now that I cannot for the life of me remember the movie we saw in the theater that day.
It Saves Your Time
The biggest reason to use ‘no’ is because of the time wasted when you don’t.
We all only get 24 hours a day, and it’s up to us how we use them. By saying ‘yes’ to every request, the problem becomes apparent immediately: you just run out of time.
Your schedule gets so packed that It can feel like it’s impossible to breathe, much less get any of your work accomplished.
Saying ‘no’ puts your day back into your own hands. This isn’t about being selfish. It’s being protective of one of your most valuable resources – your time. That’s not to say you can’t spare an hour for a friend, or take on that extra project, but you should be the one to decide if that’s a valuable use of your day or not.
How do you go about doing that?
You start with an understanding of where your hours go and how you spend or intend to spend, your time.
You begin by setting a To-Do list the night before. This establishes how you wish to use your time for the day before you even wake up. It’s much easier to protect a schedule that’s already in place than it is to try and guess how much time you have for extra requests.
From there it’s a matter of protecting your time. Be aware of the hours in your day when you’re being asked to do something.
If you’re not sure of whether or not you actually do have time for something new, then there is nothing wrong with asking for some time to consider it. Doing so gives you time to check your schedule and see if you do have room for their request.
It Sets Expectations and Avoids Exploitation
When you say ‘yes’ to everything, then anything goes.
Being so open to accepting requests means that people know they can ask you for the moon, the sun, and a half dozen stars.
As it becomes apparent that you’re the type to say ‘yes,’ it invites exploitation of the worst kind. Someone who always says ‘yes’ is very easy to take advantage of.
Sadly, human nature dictates that this kind of weakness will be rooted out and used relentlessly by those who are not as kind or even as ethical as the rest of us.
Most of us won’t even realize that it’s happening until it’s too late.
How do you know when you’re being taken advantage of? Check your feelings. If you’re feeling resentful, then it’s usually a pretty good indicator that you’re not being appreciated for your work. Also, be alert for the repeat offenders, those who come at you time and again with requests, one after another.
In saying ‘no,’ you can take back those expectations and the power that comes with it. You start with setting your own boundaries, then maintaining them. If you become known as that person who won’t work on Saturday because that’s your day with the family, eventually people will just quit asking. They will come to realize that the answer is always going to be ‘no’ on Saturdays.
What’s more, this becomes part of who you are.
The world around you becomes aware of your boundaries and knows that you’re a person who sticks to your word. If you say ‘no’ to certain kinds of things, then expectations form.
It becomes obvious that there’s no point in even asking you for things if you’re going to say ‘no’ anyway. This further protects you from frivolous time-wasting requests. It will also lead to you being admired for your integrity and always sticking to what you believe in.
The Power of Saying No is That it Helps You Avoid Being Overwhelmed
As mentioned before, the more you say yes, the more packed your schedule gets.
Having this much work (or even leisure activity) gets overwhelming very fast. Especially when you find that you tend to say ‘yes’ to the point where your downtime suffers. Before you know it, you can’t even remember when you last had a minute to yourself, and that’s not healthy.
The problem with living under this kind of constant stress is that sooner or later your body will tell you that enough is enough.
This is where you start seeing problems. Weight gain from grabbing too many quick meals, high blood pressure from constant deadlines, poor sleep at night; all because you’re worried about how you’re going to get it all done.
All this adds up very quickly. Keep it up, and you can be assured of a quick trip to the doctor or even the hospital at some point. While that’s guaranteed to clear your schedule, it won’t be in the way that you want.
So how do you get on top of things? You start by protecting your commitment level.
When you were a child, you might have been criticized for putting too much food on your plate. You might have even been told that “Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.” It’s a great saying that reminds us too often we overestimate our abilities. Only this time we’re not talking about food, but in the level of work you can take on.
We forget to build in that ‘cushion’ just in case the project takes a little longer. Or we convince ourselves that we can do the project in less time than we should. We think we actually do have time in our schedule for that extra project when our To-Do list is trying desperately to tell us otherwise.
Either way, you wind up being committed to more than you can manage. How do you solve this?
You start by cutting yourself some slack. If you want to take on something new – great! But be sure to be reasonable in the amount of time that it’s going to take.
Sit down and evaluate this honestly. Is this a weekly commitment? Daily? What kind of deadline is already attached? Is that feasible? Estimate how long you think a project will take, and then build in a little extra just in case something comes up.
Also, be reasonable about your current workload. If you already have more than enough to do, then it’s probably time to say ‘no.’ After, all, you can’t do everything, no matter how hard you try.
It Prioritizes Yourself
This might be the hardest concept to grasp for some of us.
To understand the importance of taking care of your own needs first, you’re going to have to accept that you have value and that your needs are essential.
If you have trouble wrapping your mind around this, you might be a “People Pleaser”. People pleasers tend to put the needs of others before their own.
Why?
A lot of this stems from our childhood. Somewhere along the way, we were taught that thinking about ourselves first was selfish. We also find out that doing things for other people, makes them happy with us.
This need to please became so ingrained in us that we carried the concept into adulthood.
As adults, we frequently forget that it’s impossible to take care of the needs of anyone else if or our own needs aren’t met first.
You can’t work if you’re so hungry that you’re lost in a brain fog. You’re never going to meet your deadline if you’re so exhausted that you can’t finish that report. If you forget to exercise, eventually your body will let you know that it doesn’t have the energy for one more commitment.
You have to realize that you really can’t give your best when you aren’t at your best
This is where you need to learn how to say ‘no’ for the so-called selfish reasons.
You decide what you need to do to protect yourself, so that you can answer yes to the things that matter. This means things like:
• Not letting random requests interfere with your workout regimen.
• Making sure you don’t skip meals to honor a request
• Ensuring that that you do get enough sleep and downtime
But you can’t stop there. While physical health is important, your mental health is equally so.
Doing things that tear down your self-esteem, that send you into a spiral of self-hate and resentment will eventually turn into bigger issues.
It’s nearly impossible to be productive when you’re struggling emotionally just to get through the day.
So, what can you do?
You start saying no. You say ‘no’ to things that will leave you burned out and exhausted emotionally. Some people or projects are drains on your mental resources. You’re no good to anyone else if you neglect to protect your mental health.
If working with someone is bad for your mental health, it seriously is time to say ‘no’ – quickly. This is perhaps one of the most important boundaries you will ever set, and probably the one that will give you back the most power over your life.
It Prioritizes People you Really Care About
Why are you saying ‘yes’ to people that don’t even matter?
Here’s one of the worst problems about saying ‘yes’ all the time – we get indiscriminate in who we say ‘yes’ too. This means that every request that comes becomes equally important.
Should that be the case? …no!
Saying ‘no’ means taking back the ability to decide who it is we want to work with, and who we want to support.
It means that not everyone is equal in importance in your life and that you get to decide who is – and who isn’t. This is an amazingly powerful feeling.
You start by establishing more boundaries (are you sensing a theme?). When you get a request from someone, ask yourself who is doing the asking. Is this someone you like and respect? Can you work with them regardless? Sometimes you’re not given a choice of who you work with, but If you have some flexibility, you might want to look into other options.
Working with people you don’t like is very draining emotionally – and even physically. You’ll get tired faster and won’t be as productive.
When a request means you might have to deal with a difficult person, a solution might mean offering a ‘no’ but with an alternative.
For example: Maybe you don’t get along with some of the other parents in the parent-teacher organization at your child’s school. You might decide that serving on a committee with those individuals would be too much of a headache. But you have no problem at all with volunteering with the kids on Sports Day.
This creates a compromise that you can live with and still allows you to be part of your child’s life at school.
Sometimes you’re just going to have to say ‘no’ though.
When that happens, keep in mind that saying ‘no’ to the people you don’t want to work with, frees up time and resources so that you have the ability to say ‘yes’ to the people that really do matter to you.
It Lowers Frustration
Frustration is a part of life. We all have to deal with it from time to time, but what if we could reduce it by simply saying ‘no’?
Nothing is quite so frustrating as being taken for granted. After a while, you can’t help but think that if you didn’t jump up and say ‘yes’ to everything that no one would ever see you at all.
Worse, when you say ‘no’ you tend to prove that very point. Often people who needed us just seconds ago, forget we exist after hearing ‘no’.
Sometimes no matter how many times you’ve said ‘yes’ to someone else, you’re still the one hearing ‘no’ when you need something done.
The quickest way to lower our frustration is to cut the dead weight out of our life.
This means getting rid of those projects and people that you find frustrating. Why are you putting yourself through emotional distress for someone who doesn’t appreciate you in the first place?
Start by looking at what is being asked of you. How does the request make you feel? If you’ve got resentment and frustration building before you so much as open your mouth, it’s time to say ‘no.’
Those feelings are only going to build and grow worse over time. The longer you’re on the project, the more you’re likely to regret it. Saying ‘no’ now will eliminate all that frustration right from the start.
The interesting side effect of saying ‘no’ is that you’re more apt to be both noticed and respected when you do.
When you say ‘no,’ you’re telling the world that you have value and worth and that you respect yourself enough to put your needs first.
Not to mention, the very fact that you’re able to confidently say ‘no’ once in a while gives your ‘yes’ that much more value. After all, who would you rather hang out with – the person who says yes to absolutely everything or the one who has chosen to say ‘yes’ to you alone? It’s really no contest.
It Allows us to Say Yes to the Critical Things
As mentioned before, there truly is only so much we can do in the day.
This all boils down to the fact, that we need to be in control of what we do and why. We should be able to pick and choose the things that matter the most to us.
How do you do that?
You start with a clear understanding of what you hope to gain out of life. What are your goals? Where do you want to be in a year? In 3 years? In 5 or 10? Use those ideas as a template for the things you say ‘yes’ to.
If something doesn’t serve your purpose in some way, if it doesn’t help you to reach your goal or satisfy you in some other way, then it’s up to you to say ‘no’ so that the next thing that beneficial thing that comes along can be said ‘yes’ to. It really is just that easy.
Does everything have to be career-oriented though? Not in the least.
We have personal goals as well. Maybe you realize that in 5 years your kids will be going off to college. That might mean your goal right now would be to spend some quality time with them before they go. Saying ‘no’ to frivolous requests, might give you more time for family activities.
Also, when evaluating the things that matter, you want to keep in mind things that gets you excited.
What captures your interest? If you have a fascination for local politics, a love for books, or a desire to save the whales you need to figure that into your plans as well. Saying ‘no’ might mean a chance to start a book club. Or a petition. Or even to run for local office. None of this would be possible if you’d already overbooked yourself by saying ‘yes’ to pointless busy work.
Saying ‘no’ frees us up to save all of our resources, our time, and our energy for those things that we want to do most. This puts the power squarely in your hands and you once again become the master of your fate.
In the end, saying ‘no’ is you at your most powerful.
Only someone who is confident, healthy, and capable can say ‘no’ in order to organize their life in the most beneficial ways for themselves.
Choose how you spend your time. Then decide who you want to spend it with. By taking control of your desires, your needs, and your health, you are using ‘no’ to create a version of you that’s the very best.
It sounds exciting, doesn’t it?
Keep reading to find out how to recognize that the time has come to say ‘no.’
Leave a Reply