Four Walled No More… The Affair Comes to an End
It was bound to come to an end, sooner rather than later. Relationships born of greed and contempt are better left for fictional characters in stories meant to entertain more than nurture. Forewarned, I had become lackadaisical in my teaching efforts. Often, I would wonder who was actually inhabiting my mind and body, as it couldn’t be the real me. Breaking out of the four walled affair became my only option.
I had taken more psychological and professional abuse than the average person could have been expected to endure. My mind began playing tricks on me at every turn. On weekday mornings, I would circle the block several times before entering the parking lot, fearful of what or who might be waiting for me on a neighboring corner. Then, I would hold an internal meeting, debating with myself whether or not I would go inside the building.
In the end, I always went inside. It was my job to teach my students and they were depending upon my skills and ability to make sure they learned the important things. It didn’t much matter that my passion had faded away, for those feelings were simply icing on the cake for those left in my charge and care. And I would always care.
For eighteen years, I had taught students ranging from Kindergarten through high school, and even adult school for two years in the evenings. My career as a classroom teacher had been born out of a desire to dedicate my life to serving others, and in a way that held the potential to change their lives. But in the interim this became a way to earn a living and the path of least resistance on the way to my true goals.
Many, if not most of my colleagues were “phoning it in.” They had long since retired, but only in their minds. Private conversations revealed their racist beliefs and dislike for children of color – our entire student population in the inner city. They showed up, day after day, the psychological effects taking their toll on the physical bodies of those who were living a lie.
That would never be me, I had vowed during my first year when I realized what happened to those whose lives were incongruous with what they were feeling and honestly believed. I took it upon myself to serve as the protector of those who are not seen.
But over the years this world and the people in it shifted my thinking and mindset. I had become close to my students and their families, while distancing myself from the teachers and administrators. Switching schools did not help; I had now been at four schools and finally understood that wherever I went, there I was. The solution was suddenly clear, on a crisp and sunny April morning as I was jogging around the yard before the bell rang.
Much like the Pied Piper, students gravitated toward me and followed along wherever I went. On this morning, I lost count of just how many kids had joined me on the track. They would catch up and pass me, waving and speaking to me just for the experience of it all. Each time we passed the parking lot side of the yard we could see more teachers and others arriving for the day. Most were hunched over their carts as they pulled them from the trunk, moving slowly and begrudgingly and not at all happily or joyously. When they finally glanced up at us, it was in disdain more than with respect or even acknowledgement. We waved and smiled as we passed, wishing only the best for them and not understanding why they thought we were the odd ones for moving our bodies and enjoying our time together before classes officially began.
As I rounded the track for the final time that morning, I etched out an outline of my plan in my mind. I would teach for one more full year. Perhaps I would refinance my house to put some money in the bank. I’d give notice by the end of February, 2006 and ask the principal not to say anything until we picked classes for the following year on the Matrix in June. By then, it wouldn’t much matter to me who knew that I was leaving. It was my business and I was learning to stop caring what others thought about me, or at least caring less. I smiled and exhaled a confident, liberating breath as I came off the yard and met my class, lining up at the door of Room 21.
The Next Part of My Story
I did resign my teaching position with the school district on the final day of the school year. It was anti-climatic in that only a few people said goodbye to me on that last day of June. But that made the well-wishes from those who did stop by as I was packing up the last box of belongings to take home with me even more sweet. The same questions came from them, in the form of “What will you do now?” and “How will you earn a living?”
I’d learned in the months leading up to this day to be careful about what I answered to these questions and how I worded it. I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I was starting an online business and that I had already been blogging since the fall of the previous year. But instead, I simply and in a matter of fact manner stated that I was going to start a business helping people to be found on the internet. That was the truth, at least in part, as I was still learning myself how to be found online. But I had some faith in myself and believed I would figure it all out.
I had to figure it out. I’d simultaneously decided to give away my best real estate clients, cutting off the only other source of income I had built up over the previous twenty years. So I was patient with those who four walled my new interests. If you’re not familiar with this saying, to four wall something or someone is to put it in a box and to surround on all sides. I didn’t yet know that I would be the hero of my own story, so I persevered in my current state of mind and learned to block the four walled attempts.
People want to protect us, I honestly believe. Especially those who know and care about us. There’s the cave man type of protection and then there’s the kind where they don’t want to see us build up our hopes and then fail. When I spoke of replacing my income from teaching and real estate with some kind of business I could run from my home computer, I knew it sounded vague and unreliable at best, and dangerous at worst.
Those first few months were a struggle, as I spent every waking hour to learn more about writing, marketing, and technology. It was also an adjustment to be working from home and isolated most of the day. As much as I had longed to have more time alone, I craved social interaction.
I’ll add that I had relocated to a new city during this time, so there were no friends or family close by. I “Googled” for volunteer opportunities and ended up attending a Rotary Club meeting less than a half hour away. This was the beginning of a journey I continue to walk with several non-profits and service organizations.
But even among small business owners and other thought leaders in the community, the four-walling continued. They seemed sure that I would not succeed, based mostly on how I described my new entrepreneurial endeavors. I thought about how I could change people’s perception of me, along with my results.
The End of Four Walling in My Life Experience
The solution was a simple one: If you actually do something, you’ll get better. If you do it repeatedly, and learn as much as you can along the way, you’ll improve exponentially and begin to see results. My writing improved, I began outsourcing my tech work, I embraced the world of online marketing, I began connecting with people all over the world, and my sales increased… significantly! Nothing and no one could have four walled me then.
Another thing I discovered was that I was more guilty of four walling myself than anyone else in my life. So, I decided to work on building my confidence and self-esteem and that made a huge difference. I loved who I was becoming and that I could show up as the expert and authority I was starting to become. It was time to exhale and carry on.
I’m Connie Ragen Green, author of too many books to mention and caring less about what others think of me and more about helping others to achieve their full potential. Not one to be four walled, I open my heart and mind to the potential and the possibilities of what life has to offer. Selling yourself to others, as well as to yourself can be quite liberating. Whatever you choose to achieve, know that you can get there from here!
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